Thursday, October 14, 2010
Torn
I'm now at a place in my life that I have never been. I'm not working. For a little over a month I have not had to get up and be anywhere until I wanted to or needed to, I am going to school from my home online. I am reading with my children at night and cooking dinner and cleaning house, well most days anyway. How am I accomplishing this? I met a man who has all of his needs met by ways I am not really sure of. It is a really strange situation to me. He says that his family has money, I have not really seen any evidence of this but you'll soon know why I question everything he says anyway. He is divorced and living in Tulsa, yes this is the same man that I defended till the end and lost my job to be with. (In fights he yells that it was my additude that got me fired; I just say "Ok" and pretend to not know the real reason they let me go.... but I'm getting off of the subject) So he is divorced, very smart lady that I would totally be friends with in real life but this is not real life and I think that it is a joke the way that he still has her wrapped around is finger so I cannot really have much respect for her. She pays our rent, she pays all of our bills, she stocks food in our house, she lets us drive her car, all of this is more helpfull to me and my children than anything that has ever been given to me. Especially now. It is a weird situation; I may have said that already but it really is. This man and I spend zero time together, he has websites where he still meets women around town and claims that he wants a new relationship to bloom here in Tulsa. I am here in a house with my two children living with a man who I have nothing to do with. When his ex-wife is off of work (I actually still call her his wife because I do not see where the ex comes into play) she comes and gets him, they go to the mall, they go to the grocery store, they go to dinner, Bed Bath and Beyond, Accademy, you get the point. They spend hours and hours together, she buys him everything that he wants they drive around, well he drives her around as a good husband should and they spend time as a family. He takes her to work, takes their daughter to child care, then picks her up from work as soon as she calls. And I am here. There is no interatction between us. We do not talk, we do not sleep in the same bed, most nights he sleeps on the couch and I sleep in my bed. I try not to leave my room durring the day because he is constantly searching for and chatting with women online. I have found over five matchmaking websites that he has active profiles listed and the things he is looking for are graphic. The newest was activated three days ago. We have "been together" for two months. None of this is normal to me. I do not know how to handle it. I know that I need to finish school, I know that it is good the time I am finally getting to spend with my kids, but I also know that this is not good for my spirit. It almost seems like on some level that God is allowing us to be taken care of but how do I do the rest of this? How do I convince myself that I am not the one that matters here, that if I leave my kids will change schools I will be dropped from classes again and that this situation is really not that bad? The kids are happy, he is happy, I am the only one that is dying. I pray that I can find a way to detach myself and make it through this. I mean isn't this what every girl dreams of is someone to take care of her and pay her bills so she doesn't have to work? LOL, the wife just arrived he has to leave now, never a goodbye, he never says where he is going or when he will be back he just walks out the front door. Note to self, independance is priceless.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Death and Dying
There are so many people that I know that are dying or have recently died. It is weird how much I envy them. My life lately is in a downward spiral and I wish I knew that I only had one more year to live only one more year to hold this all together. That would be easy.
I was offered what I thought was an awesome opportunity at a great company. I was making enough money working 65 hours a week to move and have my children in a nice place. Then my brother came to me. He did not ask for help when he lost his job he did not ask for a place to stay he just never went home and was always at my apartment. It was a good situation. I was working a lot and he was helping me with the kids. I was making enough money to move us into a great apartment so that he could have his own space and we would not be on top of each other, so I did. He started staying out until all hours of the morning which was fine but would not help me with the extra expenses that he promised he would help with nor did he even want to help me move into the place that I was essentially moving to for him.
Then comes a great guy. I had known him from work a resident at the property that I was working at. I steered clear of him at first, mainly because I knew that it was frowned upon to fratinize with residents, this had been drilled into my head since I got into the business almost ten years ago. But working long hours and seeing this person often, God he has a great smile. Just for him to smile at me and look me in the eyes means that I am a person. My brother "did not feel comfortable with him" "did not want him in the apartment" "did not want to have him around my kids"; I feel like it is because my new guy is black, admittedly my brother hates blacks. Everything blew up and hit the fan. Things from the past were brought up and said that should not have been said but when you know someone the way brothers and sisters do you know how to push their buttons. So he left in a heat of anger and said I was no longer a part of his family. He made sure to tell all of my family that things were not right in my home regardless of the truth. He wanted to make me look bad to people who barely know me. People who have not known me since I was a child and never took the time to learn anything about me. They know what they see as my screw ups and that I needed help along the way and that I make bad decisions constantly they knew nothing about my heart and who I am just who they thought I was.
So now I'm here. In the bigger apartment with the kids and most the time Kenya. He is good to my kids, he helps me make decisions based on me. He is learning my heart but it is fast, this is different from any other relationship that I've had, I feel like I have learned from my past and am calmer now, better somehow. We have been pushed onto a rollercoaster ride with what feels like no end. I lost my job again this time because I chose to fratinize with a resident, it was put in a two page write up and labled as a customer service complaint but when I was told that my relationship was fine but then told that I need to choose my friends outside of work it's written between the lines of idiocy that they tried to say I did. There was specificly no rule against it but like I said I knew the consequences when it started. But to have someone in my life for me and my children after so many people had closed us off, someone who was taking the time to know me to know us, to care who we are, I thought I could handle it and that people would understand. So here I am. No job, again. No car, because I put myself in a situation where helping my brother was more important than my own needs. Kenya went to the office and asked if I could stay with him. He explained to them that my kids had just started school and we had no where to go, they agreed to let us stay. Now after this man offered to save us, offered to take over the lease on my more expensive apartment and signed a lease to do so the company that I loved and gave litterally my children's summer to who threw away my efforts an insignifcatn has said that now I need to leave in a few days. Again forced to make a decision on need and not want. I haven't had time to get to know him, I know that I love what I see that he loves what he sees. There is no time for time and consistency to know his character for him to know that I may not be who he thinks. We are getting a house. We are moving the kids to a better school and he is giving me a life but it feels like so much more of my life has been taken away. I came to Tulsa to be near our family. It turns out the family that I had made out of my friends in San Antonio has more love for us than the ones I share blood with. I don't know if what I'm doing is right but I know that it is what I have to do. I want to make it what I want to do but I hate feeling forced.
I wish that my life had taken a different path. I wish I was a girlly girl who was afraid to kill bugs and didn't know how to fix toilets. I wish I was not raised to be strong willed funny that that seems to be what my family hates about me the most. I wish I had had all the love that I needed at home and not looked for it in the arms of a man twelve years older than me. That I had gone to school and done something with my life, that I had parents who would have helped me go to school and not disowned me because of the first really wrong decision that I made. Maybe Kenya is our answer. I have been praying to God for years maybe this is the one. But it would make it so much easier if I knew this was the last year I had to live. I would situate my children to have lives better than I could give them. I would make sure they would be loved and cared for in the way that my messed up self cannot do for them. And I would go, I would know that any pain that I felt on the way would be deserved for all of my bad decisions and that it would all end soon. I wish I could be one of the ones, the people that I know who are being taken away do not deserve to be dead, they do not deserve the pain they do not deserve to be taken from the ones that love them and that they love. I wish I was the one that was dying.
I was offered what I thought was an awesome opportunity at a great company. I was making enough money working 65 hours a week to move and have my children in a nice place. Then my brother came to me. He did not ask for help when he lost his job he did not ask for a place to stay he just never went home and was always at my apartment. It was a good situation. I was working a lot and he was helping me with the kids. I was making enough money to move us into a great apartment so that he could have his own space and we would not be on top of each other, so I did. He started staying out until all hours of the morning which was fine but would not help me with the extra expenses that he promised he would help with nor did he even want to help me move into the place that I was essentially moving to for him.
Then comes a great guy. I had known him from work a resident at the property that I was working at. I steered clear of him at first, mainly because I knew that it was frowned upon to fratinize with residents, this had been drilled into my head since I got into the business almost ten years ago. But working long hours and seeing this person often, God he has a great smile. Just for him to smile at me and look me in the eyes means that I am a person. My brother "did not feel comfortable with him" "did not want him in the apartment" "did not want to have him around my kids"; I feel like it is because my new guy is black, admittedly my brother hates blacks. Everything blew up and hit the fan. Things from the past were brought up and said that should not have been said but when you know someone the way brothers and sisters do you know how to push their buttons. So he left in a heat of anger and said I was no longer a part of his family. He made sure to tell all of my family that things were not right in my home regardless of the truth. He wanted to make me look bad to people who barely know me. People who have not known me since I was a child and never took the time to learn anything about me. They know what they see as my screw ups and that I needed help along the way and that I make bad decisions constantly they knew nothing about my heart and who I am just who they thought I was.
So now I'm here. In the bigger apartment with the kids and most the time Kenya. He is good to my kids, he helps me make decisions based on me. He is learning my heart but it is fast, this is different from any other relationship that I've had, I feel like I have learned from my past and am calmer now, better somehow. We have been pushed onto a rollercoaster ride with what feels like no end. I lost my job again this time because I chose to fratinize with a resident, it was put in a two page write up and labled as a customer service complaint but when I was told that my relationship was fine but then told that I need to choose my friends outside of work it's written between the lines of idiocy that they tried to say I did. There was specificly no rule against it but like I said I knew the consequences when it started. But to have someone in my life for me and my children after so many people had closed us off, someone who was taking the time to know me to know us, to care who we are, I thought I could handle it and that people would understand. So here I am. No job, again. No car, because I put myself in a situation where helping my brother was more important than my own needs. Kenya went to the office and asked if I could stay with him. He explained to them that my kids had just started school and we had no where to go, they agreed to let us stay. Now after this man offered to save us, offered to take over the lease on my more expensive apartment and signed a lease to do so the company that I loved and gave litterally my children's summer to who threw away my efforts an insignifcatn has said that now I need to leave in a few days. Again forced to make a decision on need and not want. I haven't had time to get to know him, I know that I love what I see that he loves what he sees. There is no time for time and consistency to know his character for him to know that I may not be who he thinks. We are getting a house. We are moving the kids to a better school and he is giving me a life but it feels like so much more of my life has been taken away. I came to Tulsa to be near our family. It turns out the family that I had made out of my friends in San Antonio has more love for us than the ones I share blood with. I don't know if what I'm doing is right but I know that it is what I have to do. I want to make it what I want to do but I hate feeling forced.
I wish that my life had taken a different path. I wish I was a girlly girl who was afraid to kill bugs and didn't know how to fix toilets. I wish I was not raised to be strong willed funny that that seems to be what my family hates about me the most. I wish I had had all the love that I needed at home and not looked for it in the arms of a man twelve years older than me. That I had gone to school and done something with my life, that I had parents who would have helped me go to school and not disowned me because of the first really wrong decision that I made. Maybe Kenya is our answer. I have been praying to God for years maybe this is the one. But it would make it so much easier if I knew this was the last year I had to live. I would situate my children to have lives better than I could give them. I would make sure they would be loved and cared for in the way that my messed up self cannot do for them. And I would go, I would know that any pain that I felt on the way would be deserved for all of my bad decisions and that it would all end soon. I wish I could be one of the ones, the people that I know who are being taken away do not deserve to be dead, they do not deserve the pain they do not deserve to be taken from the ones that love them and that they love. I wish I was the one that was dying.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Trying to find up
So we went to court last week. Everything stays the same for now. Jacob stays with me Jonathan stays with Jesse and we are supposed to switch off for spring break, once a month and summer. Jesse has already broken the first visitation. "Due to financial issues and blah, blah blah. Whatever, how about "I'm just not going to try for my son?" When do we just get the truth in that? It's so much easier to come to terms with something that someone admits rather than hearing what you want to here and then have to figure out the real feelings later.
Linda was so great, she drove me down to San Antonio, waited for me everywhere I had to go, made sure we had a place to stay, was ready to testify on my behalf, I have friends and family that I've had my whole life who did not even call to wish me luck, including my mother. I am so thankful to have someone like Linda in my life and this is the way that I try to treat other people that I care about. It has been really hard no to be bitter and to resist the temptation to cut off the people that are not there for me in my time of need, we would only be left with less than a handful of family and friends. I guess in their eyes I'm always in my time of need so what is the point....
I'm trying to find my place, trying to find my dream. I know that God has put a dream in me, at least a seed for a dream, why do I feel like I have no purpose? My dream used to be to be a flutist; I remember being four years old and when people would ask me what I wanted to be I'd say I wanted to play the flute. That dream was aborted when I joined band in seventh grade and was told that I had to play the clarinette. I really never felt I was very good at the clarinette. People said I was good, I did well in chair tests, I was asked to move up to Alto and Bass clarinette but I never felt like I was playing the right notes. That's really how I feel in life now. Like I'm doing all the right things and nothing feels right. I don't feel like I'm doing anything I'm supposed to do.
My son was so upset tonight that he won't get to see his dad this week. My heart hurts for my children. It is hard enough being on the other side of this battle but to feel that your parent doesn't want you is a horrible feeling. I know that some day he will have a clarity but now he is so small to understand. I know how hard it is for them to be away from either of us. I don't know what else I was supposed to do, if I moved to quick or if I should have been looking for another option. 18 days to move was really not much time to make important life decisions. But here I am... praying and listening and trying to do what I think is right. It's so hard on my own. Do they have sites for mail order husbands? I think I will go check on that.
Linda was so great, she drove me down to San Antonio, waited for me everywhere I had to go, made sure we had a place to stay, was ready to testify on my behalf, I have friends and family that I've had my whole life who did not even call to wish me luck, including my mother. I am so thankful to have someone like Linda in my life and this is the way that I try to treat other people that I care about. It has been really hard no to be bitter and to resist the temptation to cut off the people that are not there for me in my time of need, we would only be left with less than a handful of family and friends. I guess in their eyes I'm always in my time of need so what is the point....
I'm trying to find my place, trying to find my dream. I know that God has put a dream in me, at least a seed for a dream, why do I feel like I have no purpose? My dream used to be to be a flutist; I remember being four years old and when people would ask me what I wanted to be I'd say I wanted to play the flute. That dream was aborted when I joined band in seventh grade and was told that I had to play the clarinette. I really never felt I was very good at the clarinette. People said I was good, I did well in chair tests, I was asked to move up to Alto and Bass clarinette but I never felt like I was playing the right notes. That's really how I feel in life now. Like I'm doing all the right things and nothing feels right. I don't feel like I'm doing anything I'm supposed to do.
My son was so upset tonight that he won't get to see his dad this week. My heart hurts for my children. It is hard enough being on the other side of this battle but to feel that your parent doesn't want you is a horrible feeling. I know that some day he will have a clarity but now he is so small to understand. I know how hard it is for them to be away from either of us. I don't know what else I was supposed to do, if I moved to quick or if I should have been looking for another option. 18 days to move was really not much time to make important life decisions. But here I am... praying and listening and trying to do what I think is right. It's so hard on my own. Do they have sites for mail order husbands? I think I will go check on that.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
What doesn't kill us....
I used to have such a good attitude on life. I really used to believe all of the crap that people told me about how if you do the right thing law of reciprication and all that. I've tried to do it by myself. I know I'm not the only one that these things happens to but I don't get it. My entire adult life has been a struggle. Maybe I'm getting paid back for the way that I treated my mom when I was lets say 12-22. Maybe all the times I spat back at her, the day I left when I was 15, the day I was dropped off at the airport because I was in love with an older man when I was 19. Maybe if I had listened, well I'm sure if I had listened, things would be better or different.
If I had waited for love for someone who wanted me, if I had waited for someone to take care of me because they wanted to and not because I made them, I wouldn't be alone right now. My daughter's dad could not care less. He has three biological children, Paris 18, Kaylee 14, and Madalyn 12. He has never lived with these children, well Paris for a few years when he was a small boy and then a teenager, but he was quickly shipped off to be raised by his sister. Kaylee and Madalyn his two daughters do not even know him, yet two years ago he adopted a young son and is now housing foster children. He is not a good man. He is not the man that I would want my daughter to look up to for love and security but it doesn't matter because he is not there. He has never paid me any kind of support as I'm sure he hasn't to any of the other women that he claimed to love and promised forever. He does not call my daughter for her birthday nor just to see how she is doing. Last summer she came to visit him and after weeks of babysitting his adopted child eight to ten hours a day she asked to come home. I arranged for her to stay with my cousin for about a week until I could make the trip to come and get her, he never spoke to my cousin never called to ask if Maddy was ok. This has really affected her. She is already cold and hard to men.
I don't bring men in and out of my children's lives. I generally have long relationships and wait for long period of times in between. After I divorced my husband I was with a man for almost two years, I was alone for about a year and then with the last boyfriend I had for over two years. We broke up in December 2008, it is now February 2010 and I am just now starting to let someone else in. I think I choose well in the moment, but looking back you see all the red flags but caught up in the emotion of "I love you" and "finally someone is saying it to me...they must mean it" you dismiss the flags and say to yourself that you are being too picky, that no one is perfect.
I chose to dismiss all the flags with my ex-husband. I chose to overlook that he and his family outsts the wife of his dead brother and his child because she at some point had to move on. I chose to dismiss that they really whole heartedly believed that my youngest son was not of their blood because he was "too white". Now I am in a horrible custody battle and on many, many occations have had my children kept from me, hidden from me, not been able to talk to them for months at a time, accussed of burning them over their body with cigarettes, accused of horrible, radical, not true things all in the name of what is good for them; according to him. My children have not been allowed to just be kids. Even kids from a broken home should not know the things that my kids know. My ex-husband and his new wife think that it is funny to mock me and to speak badly of me, even when it is not true. All for the sake of child support and winning the game. I really truly just want what is right and good for them. My oldest son Jonathan is going to be 10 this year. As I go into the newest wave of this battle I feel like on many levels that I have already lost him. He is combative and hurt and pushes me away. But once he is with me and I can hold him against me he melts the way that a son does when he is in his mother's arms. My ex-husband doesn't understand the importance of this.
I messed up. I lost my job because of my own fault and doing. I didn't mean to, it just happened. I wish I could take it back and do things the right way. With every ounce of my being I wish I could go back 6 months and make everything right. Things got out of control. I am now unemployed, in the middle of a horrible custody battle. No unemployment benifits, no child support, no TANF, no way to make this work it seems. But I know that I have to get through. My babies count on me. I cannot just roll over and sleep nor can I stop moving forward. I have to make it work somehow. So this time as I figure out how to make two trips totalling over 1200 miles round trip in a car that I cannot even pay the payment on, I hope that it is true....I hope it makes me stronger.
If I had waited for love for someone who wanted me, if I had waited for someone to take care of me because they wanted to and not because I made them, I wouldn't be alone right now. My daughter's dad could not care less. He has three biological children, Paris 18, Kaylee 14, and Madalyn 12. He has never lived with these children, well Paris for a few years when he was a small boy and then a teenager, but he was quickly shipped off to be raised by his sister. Kaylee and Madalyn his two daughters do not even know him, yet two years ago he adopted a young son and is now housing foster children. He is not a good man. He is not the man that I would want my daughter to look up to for love and security but it doesn't matter because he is not there. He has never paid me any kind of support as I'm sure he hasn't to any of the other women that he claimed to love and promised forever. He does not call my daughter for her birthday nor just to see how she is doing. Last summer she came to visit him and after weeks of babysitting his adopted child eight to ten hours a day she asked to come home. I arranged for her to stay with my cousin for about a week until I could make the trip to come and get her, he never spoke to my cousin never called to ask if Maddy was ok. This has really affected her. She is already cold and hard to men.
I don't bring men in and out of my children's lives. I generally have long relationships and wait for long period of times in between. After I divorced my husband I was with a man for almost two years, I was alone for about a year and then with the last boyfriend I had for over two years. We broke up in December 2008, it is now February 2010 and I am just now starting to let someone else in. I think I choose well in the moment, but looking back you see all the red flags but caught up in the emotion of "I love you" and "finally someone is saying it to me...they must mean it" you dismiss the flags and say to yourself that you are being too picky, that no one is perfect.
I chose to dismiss all the flags with my ex-husband. I chose to overlook that he and his family outsts the wife of his dead brother and his child because she at some point had to move on. I chose to dismiss that they really whole heartedly believed that my youngest son was not of their blood because he was "too white". Now I am in a horrible custody battle and on many, many occations have had my children kept from me, hidden from me, not been able to talk to them for months at a time, accussed of burning them over their body with cigarettes, accused of horrible, radical, not true things all in the name of what is good for them; according to him. My children have not been allowed to just be kids. Even kids from a broken home should not know the things that my kids know. My ex-husband and his new wife think that it is funny to mock me and to speak badly of me, even when it is not true. All for the sake of child support and winning the game. I really truly just want what is right and good for them. My oldest son Jonathan is going to be 10 this year. As I go into the newest wave of this battle I feel like on many levels that I have already lost him. He is combative and hurt and pushes me away. But once he is with me and I can hold him against me he melts the way that a son does when he is in his mother's arms. My ex-husband doesn't understand the importance of this.
I messed up. I lost my job because of my own fault and doing. I didn't mean to, it just happened. I wish I could take it back and do things the right way. With every ounce of my being I wish I could go back 6 months and make everything right. Things got out of control. I am now unemployed, in the middle of a horrible custody battle. No unemployment benifits, no child support, no TANF, no way to make this work it seems. But I know that I have to get through. My babies count on me. I cannot just roll over and sleep nor can I stop moving forward. I have to make it work somehow. So this time as I figure out how to make two trips totalling over 1200 miles round trip in a car that I cannot even pay the payment on, I hope that it is true....I hope it makes me stronger.
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