Death and Dying

There are so many people that I know that are dying or have recently died.  It is weird how much I envy them.  My life lately is in a downward spiral and I wish I knew that I only had one more year to live only one more year to hold this all together.  That would be easy.   

I was offered what I thought was an awesome opportunity at a great company.  I was making enough money working 65 hours a week to move and have my children in a nice place.  Then my brother came to me.  He did not ask for help when he lost his job he did not ask for a place to stay he just never went home and was always at my apartment.  It was a good situation.  I was working a lot and he was helping me with the kids.  I was making enough money to move us into a great apartment so that he could have his own space and we would not be on top of each other, so I did.  He started staying out until all hours of the morning which was fine but would not help me with the extra expenses that he promised he would help with nor did he even want to help me move into the place that I was essentially moving to for him. 

Then comes a great guy.  I had known him from work a resident at the property that I was working at.  I steered clear of him at first, mainly because I knew that it was frowned upon to fratinize with residents, this had been drilled into my head since I got into the business almost ten years ago.  But working long hours and seeing this person often, God he has a great smile.  Just for him to smile at me and look me in the eyes means that I am a person.  My brother "did not feel comfortable with him" "did not want him in the apartment" "did not want to have him around my kids"; I feel like it is because my new guy is black, admittedly my brother hates blacks.  Everything blew up and hit the fan.  Things from the past were brought up and said that should not have been said but when you know someone the way brothers and sisters do you know how to push their buttons.  So he left in a heat of anger and said I was no longer a part of his family.  He made sure to tell all of my family that things were not right in my home regardless of the truth.  He wanted to make me look bad to people who barely know me.  People who have not known me since I was a child and never took the time to learn anything about me.  They know what they see as my screw ups and that I needed help along the way and that I make bad decisions constantly they knew nothing about my heart and who I am just who they thought I was. 

So now I'm here.  In the bigger apartment with the kids and most the time Kenya.  He is good to my kids, he helps me make decisions based on me. He is learning my heart but it is fast, this is different from any other relationship that I've had, I feel like I have learned from my past and am calmer now, better somehow.  We have been pushed onto a rollercoaster ride with what feels like no end.  I lost my job again this time because I chose to fratinize with a resident, it was put in a two page write up and labled as a customer service complaint but when I was told that my relationship was fine but then told that I need to choose my friends outside of work it's written between the lines of idiocy that they tried to say I did.  There was specificly no rule against it but like I said I knew the consequences when it started.  But to have someone in my life for me and my children after so many people had closed us off, someone who was taking the time to know me to know us, to care who we are, I thought I could handle it and that people would understand.  So here I am.  No job, again.  No car, because I put myself in a situation where helping my brother was more important than my own needs.  Kenya went to the office and asked if I could stay with him.  He explained to them that my kids had just started school and we had no where to go, they agreed to let us stay.  Now after this man offered to save us, offered to take over the lease on my more expensive apartment and signed a lease to do so the company that I loved and gave litterally my children's summer to who threw away my efforts an insignifcatn has said that now I need to leave in a few days.  Again forced to make a decision on need and not want.  I haven't had time to get to know him, I know that I love what I see that he loves what he sees.  There is no time for time and consistency to know his character for him to know that I may not be who he thinks.  We are getting a house.  We are moving the kids to a better school and he is giving me a life but it feels like so much more of my life has been taken away.  I came to Tulsa to be near our family.  It turns out the family that I had made out of my friends in San Antonio has more love for us than the ones I share blood with.  I don't know if what I'm doing is right but I know that it is what I have to do.  I want to make it what I want to do but I hate feeling forced. 

I wish that my life had taken a different path.  I wish I was a girlly girl who was afraid to kill bugs and didn't know how to fix toilets.  I wish I was not raised to be strong willed funny that that seems to be what my family hates about me the most.  I wish I had had all the love that I needed at home and not looked for it in the arms of a man twelve years older than me.  That I had gone to school and done something with my life, that I had parents who would have helped me go to school and not disowned me because of the first really wrong decision that I made.  Maybe Kenya is our answer.  I have been praying to God for years maybe this is the one.  But it would make it so much easier if I knew this was the last year I had to live.  I would situate my children to have lives better than I could give them.  I would make sure they would be loved and cared for in the way that my messed up self cannot do for them.  And I would go, I would know that any pain that I felt on the way would be deserved for all of my bad decisions and that it would all end soon.  I wish I could be one of the ones, the people that I know who are being taken away do not deserve to be dead, they do not deserve the pain they do not deserve to be taken from the ones that love them and that they love.  I wish I was the one that was dying.