Trying to find up

So we went to court last week.  Everything stays the same for now.  Jacob stays with me Jonathan stays with Jesse and we are supposed to switch off for spring break, once a month and summer.  Jesse has already broken the first visitation.  "Due to financial issues and blah, blah blah.  Whatever, how about "I'm just not going to try for my son?"  When do we just get the truth in that?  It's so much easier to come to terms with something that someone admits rather than hearing what you want to here and then have to figure out the real feelings later.

Linda was so great, she drove me down to San Antonio, waited for me everywhere I had to go, made sure we had a place to stay, was ready to testify on my behalf, I have friends and family that I've had my whole life who did not even call to wish me luck, including my mother.  I am so thankful to have someone like Linda in my life and this is the way that I try to treat other people that I care about.  It has been really hard no to be bitter and to resist the temptation to cut off the people that are not there for me in my time of need, we would only be left with less than a handful of family and friends.  I guess in their eyes I'm always in my time of need so what is the point....

I'm trying to find my place, trying to find my dream.  I know that God has put a dream in me, at least a seed for a dream, why do I feel like I have no purpose?  My dream used to be to be a flutist; I remember being four years old and when people would ask me what I wanted to be I'd say I wanted to play the flute.  That dream was aborted when I joined band in seventh grade and was told that I had to play the clarinette.  I really never felt I was very good at the clarinette.  People said I was good, I did well in chair tests, I was asked to move up to Alto and Bass clarinette but I never felt like I was playing the right notes.  That's really how I feel in life now.  Like I'm doing all the right things and nothing feels right. I don't feel like I'm doing anything I'm supposed to do. 

My son was so upset tonight that he won't get to see his dad this week.  My heart hurts for my children.  It is hard enough being on the other side of this battle but to feel that your parent doesn't want you is a horrible feeling.  I know that some day he will have a clarity but now he is so small to understand.  I know how hard it is for them to be away from either of us.  I don't know what else I was supposed to do, if I moved to quick or if I should have been looking for another option.  18 days to move was really not much time to make important life decisions.  But here I am... praying and listening and trying to do what I think is right.  It's so hard on my own.  Do they have sites for mail order husbands?  I think I will go check on that.