I'm really not good at this blogging thing. I only blog to get things off my chest, I read my cousin's blogs and my sister in law's blog and wish that I got to be that kind of woman. The woman that gets to take pictures of her children making sweet faces, and being silly. The kind of woman that is making fresh bread and has family that stresses me out because they want to come and see me and my children. I have had two relationships that led to three children, the first one I truly thought would last forever, when I got pregnant everything changed. But man do I love the little girl that that relationship gave me. I would never take it back for the world. Then there is Jesse, he totally won me over. He pursued me he made me fall in love with him and then he got scared. I convinced him to marry me because my family thought it was wrong not to be, I thought it was wrong not to be but all the rules of marriage made him even more scared. He broke, he was afraid that he could not provide for us, he lost his mind, litteraly. We seperated, he convinced himself it was over and it was. I think we could have made it. I think with love and support of our families we could have made it. I think if someone would have stood up and said "No! Work it out" I think we could have. Still to this day he knows if he's in the same room with me for too long he will fall back in love, but we divorced and he is remarried and that is that. I love my dad, he is the only family member that has ever come to visit me, all of our differences and all of our problems, my step dad has been the one person to love me unconditionally not give up on me and treat me and my kids as if we really are his own. I am not a drug addict, nor have I ever been, I have not stolen from my family, I have never turned my back on them. I have made bad decisions and I am paying for them gravely. The decisions I have made have been based on the instataious need for the problem in front of me to be solved without thinking about the long term. I am trying to change that. I was fifteen when I moved out of my parent's house and even when I was living there I'm not sure how much I let them parent me, but when I look at my daughter I see how young I was at that time. I would never be able to say "Ya know what, forget it, you think you are old enough?" I would fight for her. I honestly believe that moving out at that age cannot possibly make you stonger as an adult, it makes you an adult with a fifteen year old mentality, only now can I see that.
2010 has been a really bad year. I have never been with out a job, not when I was actually trying to get a job. I have a great resume, I have a great personality and interview well, I even get offers...and then I wait. I wait for the customary few days to pass until I try and call them, usually with no response, or until they call me and say that the offer has been retracted they are unable to hire me. Am I a felon? No, I am not a felon. I am a single mom who has fought the courts to stop paying child support for children who live with me and have no help from the loser fathers that I chose for my children. What does this have to do with me getting a job? I can not get a job because I have bad credit. Four offers no job. I have been staying with a friend who offered for me and my kids to stay with her and her family since October. When she offered she said no time limit but she thought that it would not be more than about two months. About a month and a half into this arrangement she started talking about my time being up in two weeks...WHAT?!?!?!? Most people according statistics it is taking about 8 months in the current economy to find a job. I have absolutely no source of income, did I mention in a previous post that my car was stolen, and now my kids and I are down to only a few days until we are homeless. She has even been checking on information about homeless shelters and has found them to be full. Still the deadline of January 5th is quickly approaching. I don't know what to do from here. I don't know what to do in the next week and a half to make the Earth move in my direction. We moved back to San Antonio because we were invited by this family to stay "as long as we need, no time limit", now we have no where here to go. It is not that I have not tried. I have been taking the bus for the last two months to go to interview after interview. I have actually had offers, with no actual job. I am dumbfounded. Do I keep looking? Do I give up and say this is my life? Do I send my kids to stay with random family members or friends while I try and our lives back together? And if I do that where do I start and who will be there for my kids, will I get a call or email saying they sent them somewhere else? I have fought so hard for my son to get him and then give him away. Who will be there to help my daughter when she becomes a woman, I have never given up my kids. Is this what my necessity to live has come to? And where is God? If this is a test of my faith I am failing. I'm trying but everyday I want to scream PLEASE JUST ONE MORE CHANCE! Just show me where to go, just show me how to fix it, just please whisper into MY ear. I saw it, in a dream the way that people say that they do that life was good again. That we were at a beautiful hotel and I was dressed in a blush colored dress made of silk and waiting to meet my groom. I never saw him but I knew that this was my life getting a new start.
It feels like time is up, like the new start will never come, my chest is literally crushing my lungs and I cannot breathe. I never cry anymore and now I can't stop the tears. Twice durring this "adventure" we have been stranded and seriously thought we were going to have to sleep outside, a friend came and saved us after rivers of tears and absolute fear from both me and the kids. What happens when outside is our home? I don't even have a car to sleep in, I don't know where to go to find a bed, I've always had one. God I'm scared, I don't know what to do or where to go or how to even breathe. My poor Madalyn, she know's my heart and feels my pain no matter how hard I try to hide it from her. I find it hard to believe that I am supposed to live on the streets with my children to learn some kind of a lesson. Please protect us God, you promise you will please don't make us live on the street, my children need a home they need to not have to worry about so much, please don't seperate us God. I swear I'm not testing you but within ten days I need a miracle....or a map.
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